Day Eight of my macrobiotic diet and all is NOT well in the world. Until 2011, my idea of a diet was not eating food that comes in a bucket. But now I really need to get in shape for the wedding; it's too late to have a dress made specially. They take months to make and I've no time, thanks to the US Immigration Service. I'll have to squeeze into something off the shelf or (gasp!) reuse something from my younger, slimmer days.
DESPAIR! Everyone has a secret tip, a diet they have tried and sworn by. Do you Dukan? Like a Lighter Life? Remember when Atkins was the word on everyone's smelly breath? Now only Angelina Jolie remains, a die-hard reminder of the low-carb world we left behind with such relief.
MISERY! I once saw an episode of Roadrunner where Wile E. Coyote tore pictures of food out of a catalogue and ate them. I know how he feels.
In 2005, I tried Carol Vorderman's Detox for Life diet and lost around 9 kgs (or 20 lbs) in a month. By failing to follow Carol's advice about taking vitamin supplements, I also lost a lot of brain capacity - seriously, I learnt to be very careful with any sudden change to my eating habits! I did save a lot of money, eating only raw foods and abstaining from alcohol, dairy, wheat, and fun. Of course it was very, very good for my digestion (too much information? sorry), and I did look great afterwards - much healthier, not just slimmer. The second time around, this macrobiotic diet is proving a little easier, and the cravings for fried food and dairy are subsiding surprisingly quickly. Importantly, it is also saving money which we can use for massive overindulgence in food and drink at the wedding. Rock on!
I must admit, avoiding pasta is the hardest. Like Darth Vader, I just want the Penne Arrabiata. And for the three people out there who do not have a Pavlovian response to the words "Penne Arrabiata" please lock the kids in another room and watch the legendary Eddie Izzard's Death Star Canteen lego sketch (over 12,000,000 YouTube viewers can't be wrong).
Those who already number in the 12,000,000, I feel you chomping at the bit to watch this again. Unleash your hounds!